Title : Why?
Author : androgena82
Fandom : Supernatural
Characters : Dean
Rating : G
Season : Season 4 ep. 08
"Why... Why insist?"
How many times would you have wanted to shout to your brother to stop it?
I have tried hundreds of times to try to put together two words, I would have been satisfied with two words to describe to Sam the things I have seen down there... I know that he knows that I remember… but I can’t ... it is worse of a nightmare, worse of any horror film... worse... worse remember it… He has asked me so many times how it is down there... I believe that he does it because after all it fears it... he knows that what he is doing will bring where I have already been… perhaps if I succeeded in telling him, even… no, nothing would not change because however anything I say, it won't describe even a cent of that is down there... what I have seen, what I have felt… what I have heard…
Down there I have lived licked up by the flames, I have lived a whole life... because one day in the hell is long a whole life and you loses the knowledge of the time, because there are not dawn or sunset to suggest the change of the day... also violent echoes of agonizing howls to beat time... and there is no physical pain living among the flames, because also your body is made of flames… and there is no physical pain being beaten, because your body is made of cement… and there are no words to say what I have seen... because my body was entirely covered by eyes that I saw so many things that I can’t distinguishing one from the other…
We fought... the whole time... for thing then? To survive? For the power? For the supremacy? No... nothing of this... we fought because it is the only law that exists down there… because who fight will have a place of honor, because who fight and win is feared by the others... and if you are feared you have the power to decide what is coming in the future... and who fights and lose… will be condemned to tortures and atrocity since someone won't be forgotten of him… we fought because the only thing that allowed us to still exist was our memory in the mind of the adversaries... if everybody forgot of someone, that soul should be lost… and the hope to return back would fade away in breath…
And I feelt my soul slip me among the fingers slowly… as if I was racing and the sweat bringing it away... how much of my soul has remained indeed me? How much of myself remained me?
I don't feel myself changed… I believe that in reality Castiel has picked up for me every drop of that soul that I felt come less and has preserved it for me, giving it me when he has saved me... So… this I believe was happened… if I had still remained to the hell however… my soul would have slipped away and the time would, inexorable, have changed me… changed in this to which I am hunting…
I can’t sleeping anymore... I can’t eating anymore… I drink, I drink in the vain illusion to lull what I remember... because forget isn’t possible for me... it is a privilege that has been denied me, this time… that it’s so then... I won't forget, but I won't allow that for this my mission on the earth goes downhill…
Who cares about the divine mission "Save the world"… it is only a crap... it is only the excuse that an angel has used for throwing me out of there... he has been wrong and he doesn't realize it… poor bastard... my only mission on this earth is to protect him... protect Sammy …
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