"Why... Why insist?"
How many times would you have wanted to shout to your brother to stop it?
I have tried hundreds of times to try to put together two words, I would have been satisfied with two words to describe to Sam the things I have seen down there... I know that he knows that I remember… but I can’t ... it is worse of a nightmare, worse of any horror film... worse... worse remember it… He has asked me so many times how it is down there... I believe that he does it because after all it fears it... he knows that what he is doing will bring where I have already been… perhaps if I succeeded in telling him, even… no, nothing would not change because however anything I say, it won't describe even a cent of that is down there... what I have seen, what I have felt… what I have heard…
Down there I have lived licked up by the flames, I have lived a whole life... because one day in the hell is long a whole life and you loses the knowledge of the time, because there are not dawn or sunset to suggest the change of the day... also violent echoes of agonizing howls to beat time... and there is no physical pain living among the flames, because also your body is made of flames… and there is no physical pain being beaten, because your body is made of cement… and there are no words to say what I have seen... because my body was entirely covered by eyes that I saw so many things that I can’t distinguishing one from the other…
We fought... the whole time... for thing then? To survive? For the power? For the supremacy? No... nothing of this... we fought because it is the only law that exists down there… because who fight will have a place of honor, because who fight and win is feared by the others... and if you are feared you have the power to decide what is coming in the future... and who fights and lose… will be condemned to tortures and atrocity since someone won't be forgotten of him… we fought because the only thing that allowed us to still exist was our memory in the mind of the adversaries... if everybody forgot of someone, that soul should be lost… and the hope to return back would fade away in breath…
And I feelt my soul slip me among the fingers slowly… as if I was racing and the sweat bringing it away... how much of my soul has remained indeed me? How much of myself remained me?
I don't feel myself changed… I believe that in reality Castiel has picked up for me every drop of that soul that I felt come less and has preserved it for me, giving it me when he has saved me... So… this I believe was happened… if I had still remained to the hell however… my soul would have slipped away and the time would, inexorable, have changed me… changed in this to which I am hunting…
I can’t sleeping anymore... I can’t eating anymore… I drink, I drink in the vain illusion to lull what I remember... because forget isn’t possible for me... it is a privilege that has been denied me, this time… that it’s so then... I won't forget, but I won't allow that for this my mission on the earth goes downhill…
Who cares about the divine mission "Save the world"… it is only a crap... it is only the excuse that an angel has used for throwing me out of there... he has been wrong and he doesn't realize it… poor bastard... my only mission on this earth is to protect him... protect Sammy …
"Why ... why insist?"
How many times have you wanted your brother to stop crying?
* I've tried hundreds of times to try to put two words together, I would have settled for two words to describe what I saw Sam in there ... I know you know I remember ... but I can not ... it's worse than a nightmare, worse than any fantasy horror ... worse ... worse than remember it ... He asked me how many times there ... I think it does because after all who fear him ... he knows that what he is doing will lead him where I have been ... maybe if I could tell, maybe ... no, would not change anything because anything I say anyway, will not make a penny than what's there ... what I saw, what I felt ... what I heard.
Over there I lived surrounded by the flames, I lived a life ... because one day in hell is a long lifetime and you lose track of time, because there is no sunrise or sunset to indicate to the mutar of the day ... just echoes of violent screams to shape the time ... and there is no physical pain to live in the flames, because your body is made of fire ... and there is no pain in ' be beaten, because your body is made of cement ... and there are no words to say what I saw ... because of his eyes was completely covered my body that I saw so many things to be unable to distinguish from each other ...
fight ... all the time ... for what? To survive? For power? For supremacy? No ... none of that ... we were fighting because it is the only law that exists because there ... those who fight will have a place of honor, because whoever wins the fight and is feared by others ... and if you are afraid you have the power to decide what must be done ... and those who fight and loses ... will be sentenced to torture and atrocities ; until someone you will not be forgotten him struggle ... because the only thing that was still allowed to exist in the minds of our adversaries ... I remember when all you forget someone's soul would be lost and ... hope to go back would vanish in breath ...
And slowly I felt my soul slipping between my fingers ... as if you were running and the sweat was carrying me away ... how much of my soul I really Left? How much of myself I have left?
I do not feel that much really changed ... I think Castiel has picked me for every drop of soul that he fainted and has kept for me, then when donandomela saved me ... This is ... this happened ... I think if I stayed still in hell ... but my soul would slip away and inexorable time I would have changed ... changed in what I'm hunting ...
I can not sleep ... I can not eat ... I drink, I drink in the vain illusion of lull because what I remember ... ; I can not forget ... it is a privilege that I was denied this time ... it's so ... so do not forget, but I will not allow this to my mission on earth go to hell ...
I do not care of the divine mission "Save the world" ... is just bullshit ... it's just the excuse that he used an angel to pull me out of there ... the wrong person and not even realize it, poor bastard ... my only mission on earth is to protect ... protect ... Sammy
Because that is ; hell ... that to me is the eternal tribulation ... live this life without Sammy *
The day has come. That day that you’ve tried to avoid with all your strengs. That day that you’ll discovered your real nature. Paladin or squire? Hero or coward? They are all there, all around you and observe you and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. On your right there is Castiel who has guided you in this whole insane run that has brought here you, again. Here that has been your grave more than thousand year ago. Here were the only thing that is grow up is a weeping willow, not a thread of grass, not a flower, only arid earth and shoal. A weeping willow that like you has survived at the thousand year that you lived hoping die soon, ‘cause what Castiel was asking to you was really enough and your heart doesn’t stand it anymore. Thousand years past in lonelyness. Thousand years asking you “Why?” again and again, so it the answer, the day has come and the destiny of the world is on yours right hands. Literally.
You can fell them everybody back from you.
Your father and your mother, their hands on your right and left shoulder. You can feel that pleasant feeling and of beatitude that you have always believed that a family could give. That heat of the love of a mother and a father. Their kind touch and if you assemble well yourself, you can also smell that sweet perfume of pancakes of which Mary always smelled when she came to wake up you after having prepared the breakfast, you are sure to also smell the sharp perfume of the oil for motor that imbued in the suits of John after a day of job to the garage.
The seven of the heaven forces. Sent by the Lord that you have wisely and patiently driven, why, you are asked yourself an infinity of times, but you knew that it was fair this way. Because normal people could live, worry only of as to arrive at the end of the month with their miserable salaries, to think about love and family and fun… and to all of this that to you, instead, had been blocked, because you are the chosen person of the Kingdom of the Lord. Because to you an arduous assignment has been destined, because for you someone has prepared a special place among the forces of the Archangels. Because you were and you are the only one that can do it.
And now you’re here, in that unnatural silence of the wood. There is not only the deepest desolation in the vegetation, there is also the most deafening silence that you have ever heard. You have lived the last thousand years in the confusion of the great cities, hoping to succeed in escaping to the whispers of the angels. Hoping that those voices went out of your head, you have howled, you have fought, you have also looked for the death so as of those times, that you lost the count, but Castiel has never left you die in peace. He knew it, he knew that any Angel of the Lord would have been able to complete that assignment, because on the other side there were too much great strengths. Because if He had been you granted to be young thin to today, to never die, the same privilege had been granted to him. Because if the Lord has available you his Angels and the eternal youth, also Lucifero has done him. Because you are the champions of the opposite factions.
Caino and Abele. And who are you? The murderer or the victim? You still hold well firm that weapon in your right hand, aimed verse your brother. In that silence. In the perpetual motion of the earth. In that eternal instant where your decision will mark the destiny of the whole world. Because so had been said “ Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.”
Because so it had been written to the dawn of the times “ And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.”
And now you are there, beside someone in which you have not believed for a whole life and that he has brought there instead you up to, hand in the hand. He has protected you and he has given you this life. That life that is a punishment and not a prize for you, because you know it, when everything of this will be ended, you two will be separated again, for the eternity and nothing can change the things. You will beware him of the tall one of your throne in the Kingdom of the Lord, you will look at him while he is burning in the flames of the hell, beside Lucifero. Him that he has always had faith, him that he has always feared by the Lord and the Angels, it will be what will perish for their hand. And you know what it means, the hell you have already seen it and you remember it well.
And you cross your depths green eyes with those of him. Only a moan escapes together with a tear how fleeting of it ploughs the face and it insinuates among your lips, waking up again yourself from your thoughts, still remembering you that you’re alive and it is for this instant that you are here. You would prefer to remain for ever there, in front of him up to when it won't be him to press that trigger. Die by hand of your brother and leave that the world goes downhill, that destroys itself, because it is what it deserves. It has took you everything, that infamous world has took you the appetite, the desire to live and the unaware people of the danger that don't absolutely take care of him, of the demons, keep instead on looking for them, because is their guilt if the demons exist and they still tread with their heavy feet the earth. They still insinuate the evil in the minds of the deadly ones, because is true, humans are weak and they’re too much idler to make things changes.
That voice is still whispers in your head. Deep. It seems that arrive from a remote point of the universe. A warm voice, reassuring. For years you have wondered if it were only imagination and for years the answer has always been the same one. A look of Castiel, that so intensely fixed you, with so fond air, almost fatherly and you understood. You understood that it was the right thing, only for few instants however, because you reverted again then in the abyss of the doubt.
And again you’re on that abyss, a footstep before and you will perform the wish of the Lord and you will save the world. The paladin.
A footstep back and you will do your wish condemning to the world to eternal tribulations. The coward.
You half-close again your eyes, a last time. The decision most difficult of your life. Caino or Abele? Knight or Squire? Brave or coward? Life or Death?
It is in that instant of further hesitating it ends the fate. As a thunder resounds in the air that shot of a gun. The only noise in that so deafening silence. You feel inside of you the pulsation of wings of the birds that frightened they take the flight. Of the hare that observed you suppliant and race away. Of the serpent that satisfied strip in the distant brushwood.
Unexpectedly you’re alone, one against the other. Tears that plough your faces. Caino and Abele. You open your big green eyes and you lower the look, you lower the weapon that you have aimed against your brother. Your shirt dirty of blood. Your hands dirty of blood.
Because so it had been written to the dawn of the times.
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. And I saw the Holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
…
The end.
And the day has come. That day, which for years had tried to avoid with all your strength. That day when you would have found your true nature. Paladin or squire? Hero and coward? They are all there and you look around you and you feel the weight of the world upon your shoulders. To your right is Castiel who guided you in this whole crazy ride that brought you here again. Here on what has been your grave now over a thousand years ago. Here, where the only thing that has grown back a weeping willow, not a blade of grass, not a flower, only the land dry and barren. A willow like you survived the thousand years that you lived, hoping to die soon, because what you asked Castiel was really too much and your heart could not longer bear. A thousand years in solitude. A thousand years to continually ask "why?" And that's why the time has come and the world's fate lies in your hands right. Literally.
behind you can hear them all.
Why do so had been written at the dawn of time " Behold, I will come soon and I will take my salary, to give every man according to his works . I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. Blessed are those who wash their robes: the tree of life and will be able to enter through the gates into the city. Outside are the dogs, and sorcerers, the immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and whoever loves and practices falsehood "
And now you are there, side by side someone that you did not believe for a lifetime and instead brought you up to there, hand in hand. Has protected you and gave you this life. What for you is a punishment and not a prize, because you know when this is all over, you will be divided again, for eternity and nothing will change. You look at it from your throne of the kingdom of heaven, I watch as flames burn in Hell alongside Lucifer. He has always had faith that he has always feared the Lord and the Angels what they will perish at their hands. And you know what that means, hell you've already seen and remember it well.
It crosses your deep green eyes with his. Only a moan escapes you along with a tear glimpse of the face and furrows creeps between your lips, from your waking thoughts, memories and you're still alive and that is this moment you are. Would you prefer to stay there forever, in front of him until he will press the trigger. Die at the hands of your brother and let the world go to hell, which is destroyed, because that's what he deserves. You took away everything that you took away the world infamous appetite, love of life and the people unaware of the danger that absolutely does not care instead of the demons continue to look for them, because it is their fault if demons exist and still tread with their heavy feet the earth. Even insinuate that the evil in the minds of mortals, for it is true, the man is weak and is too lazy to make sure that things will change.
whispers that voice in your head again. Deep. That seems to arrive from a distant point of the universe. A warm voice, reassuring. For years you wondered if it was not just imagination and for years the answer has always been the same. A look of Castiel, staring at you so intensely, looking so lovely, with almost paternal and make you understood. You could understand that it was the right thing, but only for a few moments, because then fell back into the abyss of doubt.
And once you're on that precipice, one step forward and do the will of the Lord, and save the world. The Paladin.
a step back and do your will, condemning the world to eternal tribulation. The coward.
closes her eyes again, one last time. The most difficult decision of your life. Cain or Abel? Knight or Squire? Courageous or cowardly? Life or Death?
And in that moment of hesitation marks the further fate. That echoed like thunder in the air pistol. The only sound in the silence so deafening. Look inside you the beating of wings of frightened birds take flight. You watched the hare running away supplicant. Satisfied that the snake crawls into undergrowth away.
Suddenly you're alone, against one another. Tears that run through your faces. Cain and Abel. Open your big green eyes and looked down, lower the weapon you bet against your brother. Your shirt stained with blood. Your hands stained with blood.
Why do so had been written since the dawn of time.
... I saw a new heaven and a new earth; heaven and the first earth had passed away and the sea was no more. I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. I heard a loud voice from the throne saying
" Behold the dwelling of God among men!
He will dwell with them and they will be
his people and he will be the "God-with-them .
He will wipe every tear from their eyes ;
there will be no more death,
né lutto, né lamento, né affanno,
perché le cose di prima sono passate".
…
